Again C.I.
I am so unhappy
I went to the C.I. Synagogue
to say Kadish
I always had the greatest
sympathy for those who
said Kadish
and now I am one of
those unfortunate
—————–
Sometimes I feel irrationally helpless when I look at Papa’s entries, as if I could relieve his unhappiness if only I tried hard enough. He seems to have tapped a new vein of sadness, too, recently remarking on his hard luck and boredom and constant worries. Even Coney Island, where he at least enjoyed the water and the breezes and the scenery once in a while, registers as little more than another place to mourn, as if its only attraction was a surreal, synagogue-themed simulacrum off the Boardwalk.
I have little more to say right now other than Papa, this is you:
I miss him today.
Matt,
I have taken a hiatus from the diary and just dipped back into it. Well, actually gorged on it — I just completed a month or so in two days. I am now going to stay tuned because I recently became addicted to the serial novels in the Times. I wonder if Papa ever listened to the serial stories on the radio? Do you know or was his listening pleasure confined to news, politics, sports and music?
I must say that after a break from the diaries your contextualizing of Papa’s experience in his historic time is even more enjoyable. Also your thoughts about his state of mind and your comparisons to your own life are both insightful and heart breaking. Your desire to reach out to Papa and at times, I imagine your own father, is a good reminder to all of us to take the moments when they come because those who you love or even feel ambivilent love for wont always be there or accessible to you in real time.
Thanks Matt for sharing the journey that you are taking with your grandfather.
Dina