Papas Diary Project

[no entry today]

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8:00 AM

Spoke to Breitbart last night, he agreed gladly to postpone our dinner. To think about my upcoming evening in H’s company fills me with contentment, after all these months perhaps there glows within her a spark of affection for me. I must endeavor to earn the honor of her company so her affection might grow, I must erase the memory of my past mistakes for I believe I am so much more.

I think about the ghost in the hotel H. says it is the ghost of the man who built it killed in a fire with his mistress or perhaps killed by the husband of his mistress. I don’t think there is a ghost but H says it is seen every year at this time, I wonder am I permitted to be among ghosts if I am not permitted to be among the dead?

[no entry today]

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6:00 AM

Have just returned from evening with H. I expect she is still there. I will attempt to recall the events.

On the train to Williamsburg, I think of the tragedy in the hotel, whether it is true. Could a fire kill two people and not more? If it was a murder instead would it not be a famous scandal? Earlier in the day I visited Henry E., he sells linens to hotels but he said he never heard of the fire or murder, with so many hotels in town he said he could not be sure if it was true, every hotel has a murder, a fire, a story of a ghost.

I do not know why a man takes a mistress. The pledge of marriage is a blessing, the marital life a love made real by the exercise of self-sacrifice and the advantage of lasting friendship. Is not the true joy of such a union to experience the partnership, how it remains even when the youthful urgency of love is no longer?

It was a curious day, on the train to Williamsburg I remember I did not eat.

I call on H. and I offer to sit with her aunt in the front room but H. rushes out, impatient. Her cheeks are rouged even so I see her face is red and flushed and I ask her is she sick and she replies “no Harry but I am drunk.” I laugh but it’s true I think and I wonder if her aunt joined her. I object to prohibition, but Coolidge is a dry and other causes mean so much more to me. Her uncle perhaps purchased some liquor before his death and it must be there in the house still.

H. leads me to an auto and tells me it is her aunt’s and we can take it but I cannot drive I say, I only know how to ride. I tell her Rothblum has offered to teach me but she is disappointed and says I suppose a taxi is too much for a girl to dream of and walks quickly away, and I think of autos and the lesson Rothblum gave me in the Coney Island parking lot and how the brake stops the wheels and even occasionally the engine kicks and goes quiet when I use the brake improperly, a habit Rothblum says everyone has and everyone loses, don’t worry Harry but I don’t worry, I’m not worried I simply find the brake appealing.

Then I remember there were some days my father would not eat either, he was sick some days and could not eat but now I wonder was he sick or did he not eat so we might have more? I would sit on his lap at dinner, he would not eat but he would stroke my hair and sing me the songs. How I stared at the edge of the table, and I would count the lines in the wood and nibble on my bread and hear my fathers song and feel his hand and there was nothing, there was nothing but the table and his voice and his touch.

H. and I walk to the train and it arrives and she takes my arm as we get on, leans on me for balance I suppose. The train pulls away and we start our ride to Manhattan I think all this is impossible, all this is endless.

[no entry today]

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The hotel is up town not far from headquarters. A Christmas decoration, a wreath of green leaves hangs from its eaves, three flags hang there too one the American flag and two I do not recognize. A young man dressed like a soldier opens the door. Another youth dressed the same stands in the lobby, it is a small hotel and the lobby also is small, but I admire the workmanship of the bar, a wood bar with brass rails and behind it empty shelves backed by curved panes of frosted glass. Atop the bar is a brass sign, “No Liquor Served” it says.

The train ride here was quiet, H. stared at the straps, spoke little but outside the train her mood brightened, now she speaks to the clerk with great cheer, I am relieved and I remember again how beautiful how lively she is. The clerk knows her it seems he smiles and says welcome young lady, I’m young but maybe not a lady she says and the clerk laughs. His laugh is not real I don’t believe he liked her joke. I approach and I stand next to her and offer to speak to him instead and she says don’t worry Harry I’ll take care of this.

I speak to the boy in the lobby, I introduce myself and learn his name is Thomas. He looks worried, looks over to the clerk, I am not supposed to speak to guests he says and I tell him it is all right I am not a guest, not really. I learn he lives near me in the Irish neighborhood and I say he must think well of Governor Smith, and I ask about his union, if he goes to meetings. I’m not supposed to speak about the union he tells me and we look again to the clerk, but he does not see us, he listens to H. who whispers in his ear. Now H. walks behind the counter, together she and the clerk walk through a curtain to what must be a room beyond.

No one can see you speaking to me I tell Thomas and I remind him of the union I remind him of its advantages. He might have a brother or sister down on his luck, mistreated in the workplace if that happened to you I ask would you not want your brother or sister to come to your aid? If you do not have a brother then the union is your brother I tell him. “My brother cut off his thumb” is his only answer and I see now he is saddened and I am saddened too. There is so much sadness in each life but joy too, great joy he must have, I imagine him at home with his family, his mother his father, his injured brother is no burden for they are all together, together in their warm rooms.

H. does not return for a moment, but I know she does not want me to disturb her so I ask Thomas about the ghost. He tells me he is not supposed to speak about the ghost, this does not surprise me but he tells me more anyway tells me she appears in room 602, people say she kneels in the corner, looks up and holds an arm over her forehead as if to stop a blow but she disappears before the blow arrives and then she is gone. It is not unusual Thomas says, when it happens we move the guests to a suite, we used to give them champagne too but now we only give them chocolate.

[no entry today]

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Thomas operates the elevator for me and H. but she does not speak to him or look at him, she looks at me instead and holds my arm with both hands and she looks and looks. Such attention she gives me and I am honored and I am sure I cannot help but kiss her, she wears a hat tight around her head the hat sparkles and it is the same color of her dress, she is slight of figure and her eyes are dark. She is the picture of flaming youth, the very picture of flaming youth and what then does that make me? Months ago she accompanied me to the opera, a poor performance and macabre as well but still enchanted she wept and told me she dreamed of the day she would sit in the boxes. We walked a long while and still she wept, there were tears in her eyes all the way home and they sparkled, lit by the store windows and signs and street lights. “I’m so ashamed Harry” she told me and I asked her why and she said it won’t matter will it and that night I sat and I composed a letter and I sent it to her.

Our friendship ended I think that night I don’t know what to call the rest.

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[Note: This post is a continuation of group started on Dec. 7]

[no entry today]

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We arrive at the room, Thomas finally speaks and he he warns us the door opens on its own sometimes, we must lock it to keep it closed. Inside now H. sits on the bed she leans back on her elbows and I think for some reason I want to sit at the desk, there is a stack of paper on the desk and a pen and I think I might write to my sisters on Rivington Street, or to my brother in Sniatyn that he might read my letter out loud to my mother. How it would puzzle them, a letter from a hotel in my own city, a letter written from a room with a private bathroom. In the corner is a “cabinet” radio of the newer type, built of wood and cloth and shaped like a spire. There will be an opera tonight I tell H. and I switch the radio on, it is so unlike my own radio, its dials are large, raised numbers on the cabinet mark the stations. The controls are stiff and I wonder if I am the first to use it.

Can the ghost hear the radio, does it confuse her because she lived at a time before such inventions? Do the voices and music from this strange pointed box seem to her phantom emanations, sudden and soft from a source unknown? I would certainly relieve her of this fear if I could, if I could I would end the frustration of her eternal wait, stop the terrible drama she performs at night, the repetition of her life’s most frightening most disappointing most regrettable moment. Why does she remain in this moment, remain where she no longer belongs, does the very instant of her death, her terrible death, does she prefer it to what unknown future awaits her soul?

Thomas is again at the door, H. lets him in and he enters he bears pitcher and glasses on a tray. Refreshments he calls them and H. claps her hands and says now we can have a party and I am briefly relieved, I am thirsty and then I remember H. and her secret meeting with the clerk. My suspicion proves correct the pitcher conceals not water but instead some kind of clear hooch I have heard hotels do this but I never have seen it myself.

Thomas leaves a moment later the door swings open just as he said it would, I lock it to conceal the little secret the secret H. and I share. H. takes a drink and she pours some more and she holds out a glass to me. I tell her if she drinks much more she won’t see the ghost, that’s the idea Harry she says. Her face looks strange, shadows across her cheeks and eyes, I did not think it possible but I prefer not to look at her.

Just a few blocks away I might find Blitz at headquarters and we might discuss the ball and I might ask him to assist in the preparation of my speech. I know now what the speech will be, a treatise on patience on hard work I will urge all to remember how long we have wandered how close we are now how some of us, at least some of us may live to see all of Israel come home at last. Like a letter to my beloved father it will be and I would like to sit at the desk and begin but H. of course stands there and she holds a glass out to me.

I take a tiny sip so as not to disappoint her, it is sharp with a poisonous taste and I mention the ghost again, aren’t we here to see the ghost I ask surely we will see her if we watch carefully. “Oh Harry what’s the difference” she says, and glass still in hand puts her arms on my shoulders, drapes them around my neck. It is what I have wanted yet so unlike what I want, all the same the music on the radio is a sweet sweet song and she smiles, a small smile but full of intention she moves only the corners of her mouth and her eyes darken and she melts against me. Dance with me Harry she says and we sway, I drift with her in a tiny waltz I waltz in miniature with small steps and she notices the steps and follows and then giggles and she smiles the smile again and tilts her head to the side like she has a question, a question for which there is but one answer and I kiss her now I kiss her at last.

[no entry today – Papa accidentally wrote his December 20th entry on this page]

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“Oh no Harry I think I’m going to upchuck” H. says and she is right, thank goodness for the private bath. Our dance ends she runs and kneels and she is like a sick child and it worries me so until she is finished, with a washcloth I clean the front of her dress her chin and nose and I help her to the bed. I lay a wet cloth on her head and I watch her and she falls asleep, safe. I don’t know if I should return the liquor to Thomas but I decide instead to pour it down the drain, I rinse the pitcher and glasses in the sink. I check on H. again, she is still. I hear the radio now, it is too loud and so H. should sleep better I decide to turn it off, then I see the ghost is there, the ghost is there by the radio.

Like a dancer a poor dancer she moves, not in time to the radio music, slowly not like the people in New York she must have lived in a slower time like the old barons in the old country, they moved with such ease such stillness while all around we hurried in the streets. I watch her she reminds me of the dress patterns in the factory, a picture of something to come but not yet there, a shape of a woman. I see her face but I see the radio behind her still, like a trick photograph come to life. I see only her torso, it rises from the floor as if she stands on a floor below, and now I remember what Thomas told me, after the fire the builders remade the hotel remade it with larger rooms, higher rooms and it must be true she must stand where the old floor once was.

I want to be sure H. does not see this does not become frightened, yet I cannot turn to check on her for I feel I must watch the apparition, I must watch her every moment. She holds her arms out, her hands down near her waist, she has a tender smile perhaps she strokes the head of a child and then in a moment just as Thomas described she looks up, she is afraid, her mouth opens she holds one arm above her forehead, she appears to sing a silent aria. Now something Thomas did not tell me, she turns, turns her face to me, for a moment our eyes meet and then she is gone and then I know the room is burning burned by the man who took her life.

I switch off the radio, I take the chair from the desk and sit and watch H., I watch her sleep for a time and she is silent and pale and I think of the forest, in the forest around the little town where I was born it must be snowing, and every snowflake tumbles and every snowflake whispers and I am so far from them, so far I will never see them gather, never see the wet ground after they melt.